Monday, August 28, 2006

Dreams and White Wolf -synopsis-

The sun hasnt come up yet, I am awake a bit early, at all times I am... He must be sleeping now, somewhere in the world of dreams. I saw a dream with him last night, it was his dream. I can never see a dream, your dreams are my reality. He was walking along a very long road in his dream, the road was crossing cities and villages, mountains and hills, rivers and narrow streams, means everywhere. The sky grew darker and he kept on his walk in the dark by following the lights of the cars passing by him. Until the road went into a dark forest. At first he was comfortable, peaceful and fearless during his walk but then he felt something, he wasnt alone. He began to walk faster in panic. As he couldnt see around him very well, it was unclear to know which side the danger could come from. And another car passing by him lighted up a silhouette which stood only twenty-five or thirty meters away, on the same side of the road that he walked. It was a wild white wolf which was looking hungry. He looked behind and saw that there were no other cars all along the road. It was late hours and nobody would take him in his car if he ever managed to hitchike. The things that would happen were unavoidable. He turned his back against the danger and started waiting for it to take him. He couldnt think about a single thing to do, like climbing up a tree, running or praying...and he woke up, the dream ended. He hugged the white wolf sleeping next to him...
Now it is 19:50, I am already home, and the sky grew much darker. And now there are things that I want to say about the last night. I dont know if I ever showed him that I really liked him. I only didnt tell him. It made no sense if I did that. When I looked into his eyes, I saw a truly broken child who couldnt understand what it meant. There were things that hurt him and he wouldnt share all these with me. He gave very honest replies to my inquiry until he felt that he should only keep silent. And I said ?damn?, wondered why people like this always had to be broken, had to suffer so much. And how could they still be that much strong and confident. I wish we could meet in another period of time, for instance the times when I was a mortal like he is... I wish he could look into my eyes and see everything inside me too. What would he see?...
Last night I thought I did the best for him. He only wanted to hug me and kiss me that's all. Because I was literally 1-0 losing the game last night the moment I started out and my instincts were always sharper than my emotions...now I'm laughing... "Well, I thank you for the last night and I apologise: first for the questions that I asked you which didnt make you feel all right, yet I know all the answers. Second for feeling things that were not equivalent to yours. Third for not being brave enough to be honest to you. Sometimes I believe this to be my very personal "curse" for sure. I always feel impossible things and I meet wrong people in wrong times and spaces. Every time I feel something for someone, I fight with a ghost inside that person and ghosts always win... But life is too short to be painful enough, and we never think about this, we never think of death for once and the wolf appears suddenly infront of us, we do nothing to fight against it. We just stand there and wait for being the white wolf's hunt."
"It is better for me not to see you again until this unexpected storm is over. I hope you to be happy at once, let people love you again and enjoy your studies at work and the cigarettes you smoke and the water you drink... Claim for your heaven. I remember the big smile on your face right now, absolutely so big and so magnificent, and suits you so much, dont hide this "sun" from other people. Anyway it is cloudy today and there wont be any sunlight. It's your turn to shine... And wish me luck, to rescue myself from this situation I'm in now, to be able to want doing it and to start again. And to forget you..." But it is not over yet. The things I've told and I will tell are as real as I am.